Rules For Dealing With The Cullens
by Sapphire Vial
Summary: The unwritten rules have now been written with commentary from all the characters. Rule #1: don't bleed.
1. The List Begins

**Rules for dealing with the Cullens**

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, if I did Jake would be dead by now

Chapter One: The list begins

**1. Don't bleed**

_Bella this means you. – Edward_

_Hey! I resent that! – Bella_

After the fifth time that Carlisle had to stich Bella back up at their house this rule came up.

**2. Try not to trip and fall**

_Again, I'm resenting the fact that everyone thinks I trip all the time. – Bella_

_Bella love, you do. – Edward_

This wasn't really needed but Emmett thought it'd be funny to see Bella's expression when she read it. Bella hunted down a large stick and ended up whacking Emmett, consequentially falling and twisting her ankle.

**3. Do not, under any circumstances, play baseball**

_Cause you will lose, badly. – Emmett_

_And if you somehow win, Emmett will sulk. – Alice_

_HEY! – Emmett_

Emmett thought it would be fun to invite the senior class to play baseball against the family. Carlisle stopped the game before anyone got seriously hurt but Mike Newton ended up with a concussion and a bloody nose from being hit with a stray baseball at the very end. No one confessed to it.

**4. Do not touch Edward's Volvo with anything less then reverence**

_Hey! I'm not _that_ bad. – Edward_

_(everyone who reads this shakes his or her head and walks away laughing)_

**5. Do not start pranks**

_They'll never end. - Bella_

Everyone knew how this rule came to being. The paint from the prank war was still not coming completely out and the carpet in the living room was now a shade of pink. The Newton house had been mysteriously repainted…..with paintballs.

**6. Don't mess with Rosalie**

_She may look vain and air headed, but she'll make your life hell. – Edward_

_Don't we know it. – Jasper_

During spring-cleaning the guys had decided Rose needed a new wardrobe and gave away ALL of her clothes to Goodwill. The next day Edward found his CD collection gone, Jasper was missing his books, and Emmett…well he was sleeping on the couch (technically speaking).

**7. Don't bet against Alice**

_You'll never win, especially Eddie. – Alice_

_DON'T CALL ME EDDIE! – Edward_

Everyone knew this by now, but some people coughEdwardcough needed to remember this. Bella ended up writing this on the list which now had a space right by the front door.

**8. Don't try to break Bella and Edward up**

_You'll never succeed. – Jacob_

_How'd the mutt get in? – Edward_

_Bella. – Alice_

After James, Mike, Tyler, Eric, Jacob, Victoria, and Bella's bad luck trying to tear them apart, they're still together. It was a pretty slow week so Alice threw this rule up in a fit of boredom.

**9. Don't challenge Emmett to a video game tournament**

_Beating him is like kicking a dog. It's just not worth it. – Jasper_

_HEY! – Emmett_

_Em, BELLA beat you at Burnout 2. – Edward_

_We were in crash mode, and she's REALLY good at crashing cars with her bad luck. – Emmett _[A/N: This is true, I can't drive on this game worth a damn but I can beat my brothers and my dad in crash mode.

Esme decided to get into the swing of things by adding onto the list after hearing Emmett ranting in his room, to a doll. Nobody knew where he'd gotten the doll and nobody wanted to know.

**10. Don't piss off Edward by letting Bella cliff dive and ride a motorcycle**

_If Edward doesn't get to you, Charlie'll kill you. – Emmett_

When Bella was serving house arrest Edward decided to _talk_ to Jacob about his reckless behavior and letting Bella risk her life. Jacob was actually worried for his life when Edward described exactly how he'd kill him if he let Bella cliff dive again.

**11. Don't let Alice decorate for a party**

_So…much…pink. – Bella_

_Admit it, you liked it. – Alice_

_Not really. – Bella_

After the catastrophe that was Bella's 18th birthday and the graduation party, no one wanted Alice to decorate again.

**12. Don't race the Cullens**

_They're vampires, they'll outrace you anytime. – Bella_

In a fit of testosterone-induced argument, Edward and Jacob ended up racing each other. Edward won easily and then wrote this rule with a cocky grin.

**13. Don't bleed around Bella**

_She'll faint and then end up hurting herself in the process. – Edward_

_Hey! It's not my fault. – Bella_

_Bella, you're going to be the only vampire turned off by blood. – Emmett_

After the biology incident, which was repeated when the school blood drive came around and she had to walk by everyone to get to the locker room. Thankfully Edward was there to catch her because if he hadn't, she would have fallen on the boxes of needles.

**14. Don't try to kill Bella**

_It won't turn out well for you. – Jasper_

When you think on how many people wanted to kill Bella and how many have actually succeeded it was only a matter of time until this rule came up. After this rule came up Emmett decided to keep a scoreboard. The official score was: Cullens – 3 Werewolves – 1 (this was argued but then everyone decided they merited a place on the board as they killed Laurent) Bad guys – 0

**15. Don't let Alice dress you for any occasion**

_She'll go over the top. By a _mile_. – Bella_

_Admit it, you liked it. – Alice_

Prom. Enough said.

Okay, that was chapter one. This was originally a list of things my friend KayLa and I made up to keep us alive in Algebra last year. So it's going to be sporadic. A lot of the rules are going to be kind of random so please be understanding.

Please review to tell me if you liked it.

Ideas are welcome and will be put into the later chapters.

Thanks.

-A.R


	2. The Randomness Continues

**Rules for Dealing With The Cullens**

Disclaimer: I still own nothing, and I don't want to. If you want to give me to rights to something, give me the rights to Tin Man. I'd show a better ending then what SciFi gave it.

Chapter Two: More rules, and more disasters

**16. Don't let Alice take you shopping**

_Let's put it this way, Visa unlimited amount of money cringe - Bella_

Everyone had been inflicted with a shopping trip with Alice, and everyone knew why Bella put this rule up. Every time Jasper read this rule he cringed and everyone in the house suffered mass hysteria. Alice being his wife, he was subjected to about as many shopping trips as Bella was.

**17. Don't believe Rosalie unequivocally**

_If she gets something from Alice, it's probably wrong. She takes everything at face value. – Edward_

_HEY! – Rosalie_

The cliff diving incident, enough said.

**18. Don't piss off the Volturi**

_This shouldn't have to be said people. - Carlisle_

After the Italy incident, and Emmett's recent…..shenanigans Carlisle decided to write this rule down. How this passed by any of the guys was amazing.

**19. Don't let Alice steal a car**

_If you do, it'll be ostentatious to the extreme. – Bella_

_And she'll probably want to get the model when she gets back. – Edward_

_Hey! You owed me for babysitting Bella. – Alice_

_Children! Behave! – Esme_

Esme made Edward and Alice clean and detail all of the Cullens's cars, all 27 of them, after their argument became a wrestling match and they broke Esme's favorite vase from Italy. The price wasn't an issue, but the sentimental value of it** guaranteed** her wrath.

**20. Don't be around Jasper with exceedingly strong emotions.**

_He'll hide in a closet….in Denali. – Emmett_

_EMMETT! – Jasper_

_Jas, you hid downstairs in our basement for __**3 days**__**straight**__ to hide from Bella. – Edward_

_You would to if you could feel your girlfriend's emotions. She was PMSing for crying out loud! – Jasper [I always thought what a PMSing female would do to Jasper._

**21. Don't argue with Edward. **

_WASTE OF TIME! If he even STARTS to loose an argument then he'll just dazzle you until you can't think anymore! – Bella_

After yet ANOTHER argument about turning her, which Bella lost (big surprise), she stormed downstairs and wrote this rule on the list. Edward was also locked out of her bedroom for a week after that argument.

**22. Don't play poker**

_You'll probably end up paying with your blood….a lot of it. – Alice_

After the Cullens heard about Genine playing, and actually winning the game but then Marcus had killed her Alice decided to put this rule up.

**23. Don't hunt Bella**

_You'll end up dead. – Emmett_

_And it breaks rule #14. - Jasper_

This was obvious by now but there were some people who just never gave up. Like Mike Newton, who suffered a second degree burn when Edward 'accidentally' spilled some hot water on his arm during a biology lab. The mental images had him gnashing his teeth every time he was around Mike.

**24. Don't give Bella caffeine.**

_Hyper! – Bella_

Edward stalked downstairs to write this down after he came home from a hunting trip and found out that Bella had been up for 56 hours _straight_ after Alice let her have a Rockstar. Alice's excuse: she was tense and needed to relax.

**25. Don't piss off werewolves. **

_Two words: Anger-Management needed. – Emmett_

_That's three words Emmett. – Edward_

_No, there's a hyphen in between see? It's two words. – Emmett_

_You're logic astounds me. – Edward_

How to know they're pissed: uncontrollable shaking. Or if you try to feed them kibbles n' bits. That doesn't go over too well.

**26. Don't go hunting with any vampires **

_Unless you have a death wish, then by all means. – Alice_

After the fifth person came up to the Cullens to invite them to go hunting (human version with guns) they made up the excuse that they all had really bad aim and the last person who they hunted with ended up in the hospital. The offers ended after that.

**27. Do not, under any circumstances WHATSOEVER, utter the word 'play' around the Cullens. **

_Uber competitive, to say the LEAST! – Bella_

After the last 5 day monopoly marathon, which Bella won 57 times in a row, an sleep-deprived Bella managed to scrawl this before conking out on the white sofa in the living room.

**28. Don't be surprised if Carlisle performs surgery on the table. **

_There is a reason to keep a table, apart from appearances. – Carlisle_

Bella's stich-ups were mostly in the dining room now. It looked more like a hospital room then a dining room.

**29. Don't take them gambling. **

_twitch - Bella_

Bad choice to take 7 uber-rich vampires to Vegas. (inspired by)

Okay, now that was chapter two. Chapter three will be more wacky rules, including more kibbles n' bits moments and my wonderful reviewers's rules.

Keep sending them and I'll put them in the next chapter.

Review and tell me if you like it.

Thanks for everyone who reviewed for the last chapter, you guys rock and you inflated my ego (a dark place which we will not discuss) a little bit. Love that you guys like this story/list thing.

Cross your fingers for me to pass my finals tomorrow, because if I do then that means more time for me to write more chapters and probably longer chapters.

Thanks again.

-A.R


	3. Kibbles N' Bits

Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable.

**Rules For Dealing With The Cullens**

Chapter 3: The ridiculous rules continue

**30. Don't interrupt the Cullens when they're watching TV**

_You'll quickly regret it. – Emmett_

Emmett thought it would be funny to get in the way of Edward and his cooking show obsession, which was getting kinda creepy because vampires don't need to eat. The dart that Edward had thrown at Emmett's head proved that it wasn't funny in the least. Where he had even GOTTEN the darts was a mystery. The general consensus was that they were bought at the same place that Emmett bought his doll.

**31. Don't try to bribe werewolves with Kibbles n' Bits**

_READ RULE 25!! – Bella_

Emmett thought that sending each werewolf a wrapped bag of Kibbles n' Bits for Valentines Day would be funny. They didn't think it was funny, at all. The 'accidental' abduction of Bella by the wolves proved their point.

**32. Don't be surprised if Edward starts quoting Shakespeare**

_He's obsessed. – Jasper_

_And always quotes at the wrong time. – Emmett_

_Hey! I'm not that bad! – Edward_

_You're right. You're worse. – Rosalie_

Read 'Cullenary Education: Forks Sex Ed' for further proof. You will be laughing in parts, cringing in others, and crying because it's so funny in other parts.

**33. Don't mention Mike Newton around Edward.**

_He'll start strangling the air, which is _really_ creepy. – Bella_

**34. Unless you have super strength, do not try to physically hurt the Cullens.**

_Or werewolves. They won't feel it, but you will. – Bella_

_Next time just use a crowbar. – Emmett_

_Emmett, she'd just end up hurting herself. – Edward_

_I am SO not talking to you. – Bella_

_What? Why?! - Edward_

_silence - Bella_

**35. Don't expect Bella to go 15 minutes without tripping over**_**something.**_

_It's just not possible. – Edward_

_NOT HELPING! – Bella_

**36. Don't expect the Cullens to help you cheat. **

_While they know everything, they do have morales. They just choose not to use them at times. – Esme_

_HEY! What about you two? – Emmett_

_We're different. You don't see us trying to sell Mike Newton certain chemicals proven to shrink a certain anatomical feature. – Carlisle_

_Not like it would have done anything anyway. – Emmett_

_stare Let's not go there. – Bella_

_Yes, lets not. - Carlisle_

That is a story so dark and dangerous, no one wanted to relive it.

**37. Vampires can NOT walk (run) on water.**

_They are not gods! – Bella_

_Right, we just look like them. – Emmett_

_Ego spill on Aisle 3! – Rose_

_We should not have to say this! – Edward_

**38. Dracula**

_Just no. – Edward_

_Total cliché! – Alice_

_Bats scoff - Rose_

**39. Don't mock them.**

_They'll make your life a living hell. – Alice_

After Rosalie heard Lauren mocking her new outfit she somehow got Emmett and Jasper to 'haunt' her at night, then steal all of her clothes only to replace them with prison jumpsuits. That was the only time anyone had seen Rose laugh, and it was kinda creepy.

**40. There are things that Bella can do better then Edward.**

_Just don't remind him, you'll deflate his ego. – Bella_

_Hey! My ego isn't _that_ big. – Edward_

Everyone who read this just walked away laughing.

**41. Don't leave Bella alone for long periods of time.**

_Danger magnet. – Emmett_

_Is that two words or three Emmett? – Bella_

_Hey! – Emmett_

**42. There is a drug that will make vampires (and werewolves) drunk.**

_It's called Advil. – Bella_

_How did you figure this out? – Emmett_

_Jake had a headache and I gave it to him. That was REALLY funny. – Bella_

**43. Don't leave Bella alone with Alice for an extended period of time.**

_At least, not if you want to get her back quickly. – Edward_

_You weren't the one to spend time with her. – Bella_

_Admit it, it was helpful to you. – Alice_

* * *

Here's chapter 3 for you people who so love my story. 

Please send me any of your ideas , or even some that you think that I won't like. I'm going to have a complete fan-generated chapter sometime when i have enough rules.

Please review to tell me what you like and didn't like.

thanks,

-A.r


	4. Chatspeak, the devil's tongue

Rules for dealing with the Cullens

Rules for dealing with the Cullens

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and I'm happy that I don't. I don't have that sort of time to write four books in 6 years.

**Note: Since I've only had 5 people submit ideas for rules and I don't have enough for a good size fan page, I'll add them in on the next chapter. If anyone wants to help me out and submit something, ANYTHING AT ALL EVEN, I'd greatly appreciate it.**

Chapter Four: Full blown insanity

**44. Don't introduce Alice to chatspeak. (A/N: IDK, ROFL, LOL, G2G, ect.)**

_She won't speak in __**anything**__ else. – Jasper_

_TISNF – Alice_

_Case in point. – Bella_

**43. Chess is now banned in the Cullen house.**

_Edward cheats, a lot. – Rosalie_

_It's called strategy, not my fault if mine includes reading your thoughts. – Edward_

(I know Stephenie Meyer explained chess in Eclipse, but these rules have been lying around longer then that book has been published.)

**44. As is any game involving strategy.**

_Unless Edward isn't playing, the guy knows no bounds. – Carlisle_

**45. If Alice is happy about something, run away. Quickly and in the opposite direction.**

_It probably doesn't bode well for you. – Jasper_

_You should know Jazzy. – Alice_

_whisper evil shopaholic vampire end whisper - Bella_

_I heard that. – Alice_

**46. Reinforced steel cages are not 'vampire proof'. **

_Huh? – Bella_

_Emmett squashed Floppy, Alice's pet bunny, when Jasper was wrestling him. – Edward_

_Ah. – Bella_

**47. Don't turn animals.**

_This just causes more problems then it fixes. – Carlisle_

After the incident where Emmett squashed Alice's pet, she tried to turn it. Fortunately, Floppy was saved. Unfortunately, she can't bring it around any of her classmates as he has tried to bite them.

**48. If they have red eyes, don't trust them.**

_Ever. Just keep it at that. – Edward_

**49. Don't go to Volterra just to prank the Volturi.**

_While it's funny, its just not practical. – Edward_

_Ya Emmett. – Bella_

_It was only once, and Aro even said that it was funny. – Emmett_

**50. Don't try to sneak up on any of the Cullens.**

_Super senses anyone? – Bella_

**51. Don't have the werewolves and any vampires in the same room together. Definitely don't expect them to get along.**

_They'll _attempt_ to kill each other. – Bella_

_Hey! – Edward_

_Yeah! – Jacob_

_You guys have been fighting for two __**years**__ and you still haven't done permanent damage to each other. – Alice_

_Hey, I'm going to kill that mutt one of these days. – Edward_

_Not if I get to you first! – Jacob_

_Promises, promises. – Rosalie_

_SHUT UP ROSE! – Edward and Jacob_

**52. Don't hang around the Cullens in the sun without sunglasses.**

_You'll quickly regret it. – Bella_

If Edward in the sun was like a multifaceted gem sparkling in the sun, the entire Cullen family in the sun was like the sun. Bella had seen sunspots for next four hours. She is normally klutzy by herself, but without her sight, she's a danger to everyone around her.

**53. Don't mock the vampires or werewolves.**

_The werewolves will rip you to shreds, the vampires will turn you then rip you to shreds and burn you. – Bella_

_Hey, we're not that bad. – Edward_

_One word, Victoria. – Bella_

_I didn't turn her. – Edward_

_But you did kill her. – Bella_

_Hey! No bickering on the board, you'll waste space. – Alice_

* * *

Hey, sorry about how little rules there are but I'm slowly running out of rules to post. The next chapter is the fan chapter (to whom I am eternally grateful for their rules) and the one after that is going to be the final chapter. Thanks to everyone who reveiwed and double thanks (and very good chocolate cookies) to whomever sent me a rule. If you guys can think of any more I'd be really happy as I only have about 7 rules from the fans.

Thanks again, and please reveiw.

-a.r


	5. NOT AN UPDATE, SORRY

THIS ISN'T AN UPDATE, SORRY

This is a general apology page for all the stories that I haven't update for. Below are my reasons.

Extended Family: Unfortunately I have no more pages written and I don't have a lot of time to write. I will write up a short chapter soon for you guys but you still have to wait some.

Twilight: The Movie: I am very very very sorry for you guys that I have made you guys wait for a new chapter but I lost the one I have been working on. I have another problem with the story, it's way too sappy for my tastes. I might delete it because it doesn't make much sense and the way it goes isn't as flowing as I would like it to. If someone else wants to take it over I'd be happy to relinquish my hold on it.

Xover: OH MY GOD! I totally didn't mean to leave you guys hanging for so long. I have a new chapter lying around somewhere in my room and I will type it up as soon as possible. Thanks you guys for keeping with it for this long. I apologize profusely.

In Another: For this I have no excuses, I've just been to lazy to go look at the last chapter and write a new one. I throw myself at your feet and beg for forgiveness. A new chapter will be coming along soon, I hope.

A typical day at the SGC: I LOST THE FREAKING CHAPTER I WAS WORKING ON WHEN MY DAD'S COMPUTER CRASHED AND THE DISC I WAS HAD SAVED IT IS IN MISSOURI. I LIVE IN MAINE. I'm very angry at myself right now but I will write up a wonderful chapter complete with more goa'uld (sorry, haven't spelt that word i forever so if it's a misspelling don't kill me) then you could have deamed.

Parallels: Working on a new chapter, but it was also lost when the computer crashed. I'll whip up a new on from scratch but it might be a while.

How the heck do these things happen: this is just ending where it is because of Rules for Dealing with the Cullens. Sorry but no more of these crazy things.

Rules for dealing with the Cullens: I am currently working on the fan chapter. that is all.

The wild outdoors: umm...no excuse since I have 16 pages written in my room but I kinda forgot where I left off and was too lazy to go find out earlier. will type as fast as my little fingers will allow.

Magic and Mayhem: HAS TOO MANY DAMN CHARACTERS!! If someone wants to take it and write it they can. Just PM me before you do so I can delete this and give you what I have typed but not posted.

Without heart, you have nothing: Well, it seems by beta had written a better chapter then what I did and that made me a little pissy. So, no more beta (sorry but you seriously write better then I do and it's not fair) and the chapter will be posted soon.

Potential: I will update the second chapter very soon. The third one will come shortly after it, but after every other story that needs updating.

No: actually, you guys have gotten more updates then some other stories so the fourth chapter will come later then you probably want it to. and yes, it's completely BELLA and EDWARD. I would have like it being BellaxJosef but I had a feeling you guys wouldn't have liked that.

There are my reasons so please read and keep in mind, i only have two hands and i do have a life. not much of one but it's still there.

thanks for all of your support whether you read the story or reveiwed. you guys are the reason I keep writing.

-a.r


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